Randy has fans. Fans with friends who grunt on Seacrest.
Top Idol is back! My computer lives! I can suffer through two hours of Randy Jackson tributes, brand new Ford Fiestas, and foggy memories of fallen contestants right along with you...
Randy has fans. Fans with friends who grunt on Seacrest.
Top Idol is back! My computer lives! I can suffer through two hours of Randy Jackson tributes, brand new Ford Fiestas, and foggy memories of fallen contestants right along with you. And yes, I actually did watch last night. I even took a photo, because I mean, the woman with the gimp foot grunting on Ryan Seacrest was sort of the high point. But Kree Harrison and Candice Glover and the rightful two in the finale, even if I really don’t care who wins. Oh and OF COURSE Sir Anthony Hopkins wouldn’t miss this “spectacle” for all the fava beans & chianti in the world.
But I even watched about 20 minutes of the Idol Red Carpet since Jim was doing it. And then a blond woman talked to someone who I thought might have been Psy or Bruno Mars, but it turns out it was Stefano Langone! I totally forgot about him, and that girl Aubrey who is going on this year’s tour, and probably 3/5th of the dudes who were sent home 6 months ago. That Evan Lysacek-a-like Paul Jolley could have stuck around longer I still contend. Alas. Nigel Lythgoe would not give him a guitar. Apparently, the 5 Top 10 guys will be singing with FRANKIE VALLI tonight. Beauty School Dropouts, every last one of them. Just kick them when they’re down. Come on, Jimmy Iovine, you couldn’t even get those two Black Eyed Peas with No Names to harmonize with the lot?
Oh American Idol. If only you were still relevant. You’re piping in Don’t Stop Believing on the Idol Red Carpet like its all, 2009 or something. Oh 2009, the enormous high before your steady yet precipitous fall from public consciousness and pop culture.
At least everyone is still wearing white. I’m Glad You Came. Yes, yes they are. Even if fewer and fewer of you were showing up every week. It’s really not a good thing when it takes me 35 seconds to remember the name of Burnell Taylor, who was actually pretty good. But the dancers all clad in black, well, this is a nice paying gig so lets give it up to them. The judges walk slowly, not because half of them wear towering stilettos, as this will likely be their final entrance onto the Idol stage in this capacity. We see Taylor Hicks. And Bo Bice. And the most ruthless and manipulative villan in all of American Idol history—Danny Gokey. Idol cannot even decide on the hashtag it wants you to use, switching between #idolfinale and #idoltop2 within about a minute of one another. Shall we count the hashtags tonight?
The Band Perry + Janelle Arthur
Done
These yahoos confuse me. Honky tonk head-banging hipsters with a wannabe milquetoast pageant-queeny Pink singing lead. And their name, I mean, I understand what you’re going for here because its your schtick but it gets at least a quarter-body eye roll from me. But its a good pairing for the erstwhile Miss Arthur, as their performance is a lot of spastic, breathless shouting while darting from one side of the stage to the other urging everyone to put their hands in the air. Also: #TheBandPerryOnIdol.
Hashtag count: 3 (13 minutes)
I spoke too soon! #IdolSabotage! Investigation Discovery-worthy dramatizations of WHY DID FIVE GUYS GET ELIMINATED IN A ROW?! This is why they were putting Kree Harrison in blazers. Rather than just coping to producer manipulation at keeping any WGWG around past the semi-finals, and stocking the decks with 4 out of 5 being NO QUESTION ABOUT IT gay and non-white, its all blamed on the girls drugging them and stealing blazer style. Kree is all, good luck on The Voice, gentlemen.
Frankie Valli + Anything With A Penis
Frankie Valli Medley
And so this introduces the boys, humiliating them ONE LAST TIME by sticking them with Frankie Valli in some sort of malt shop medley. It even requires them to Walk Like A Man, which isn’t very manly, but it is okay, because there are suit & tie-clad backup dancers suffering through it, too. Curtis Finch, Jr. (Yes, I have to type them into